Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our lives that while we are living through events, we remain so emotionally attached to them it’s hard to see from a clear perspective.
In my life, since childhood, I have lived through events that were difficult, painful; maybe even traumatic, and at a very young age I felt the grace of God empower my spirit to see things in a different way. I had this odd way of viewing myself and things from a detatched view – as if my soul could leave my physical body and angelically guide me through turmoil by showing me a bigger picture. In the picture were actors and props, but what was happening were little lessons for everyone involved. I had a way of seeing people’s pain through their hurtful actions. This I could not do in an emotionally attached state. In a state of emotional attachment and self-pity, I could only see my anger or pain, or others as “wrong-doers.”
As I grew up, I had an extremely strong relationship with a higher power, and I prayed often. I began to feel safe; no matter what. I felt loved; no matter what. I felt hopeful; no matter what. By the time I was an adult, though still somewhat affected by the structureless life I had known, I was fairly well-adjusted, confident, happy and had a circle of friends who looked into the future with me through the eyes of my past.
And then life marched on, I married, had children and I figured I was all set. But just when I let my guard down, I realized life keeps throwing curveballs. My ability to have faith when things were difficult did not come as easily as it had when I was a child. I had become a wife and mother, and the energetic pull of other humans depending on me drained me of the resources I needed to meditate, concentrate, focus and find my center. My body was either carrying a child or recovering from birth and nursing, chasing toddlers, tending to tears and hunger pangs and amidst it all trying to find time for myself. So when issues arose in my marriage, there was just to much noise in my life to hear my call to prayer.
I think as the dust is beginning to settle with the children growing, these issues come into focus and we can no longer turn our heads and look away. It is now time for us. Time to clean out the closets and reorganize our lives a little. Maybe a lot. And to begin, resentment must be the first to go. Forgiveness is hard, but not so much when we find ourselves asking. Because it is then when we realize our opportunity to allow the grace of God to flow from us to another, or into us.
My whole life seems to be themed around forgiveness. And what I have recently been reminded of is that without it, we can only remain emotionally attached to things. But through forgiveness, we are touched by God and freed from the walls we build around our hearts.
That is the best fuel for life you can come by.